[responsivevoice_button buttontext=”Listen to this article]
In the last few years, I have begun trying to create healthy boundaries between my family and me.
When I’m around them I have an extremely hard time being myself. I put on an act to be the version of myself that they want me to be. I’m the “Catholic Good Girl” version of myself and I do what they want to do, to satisfy them.
If I try to express myself and my opinions or talk about any of my successes in life they get very defensive and accuse me of judging them and that I hold myself as high and mighty so on and so.
However, due to their disgraceful and disappointing carrion, I’ve been distancing myself more and more for the past few months, especially from my older brother who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder but refuses to seek help because like most BPD patients he believes that he is completely normal despite his clinical diagnosis 3 years ago. When I try to explain why I have created boundaries to protect my own mental health and my well being I’m instantly met with the same canned response each and every single time.
Family is family after all blood is thicker than water.
Generally speaking, I am not good at being pretentious which is why it’s getting harder by the day to pretend that I agree with anything my family members say at the same time it’s difficult to justify it to myself why I continue to make them part of my life.
Recently my boyfriend has raised the question, “What would happen if you told your family that their values just simply aren’t your values?”
To tell you the truth it got me thinking like never before, I thought about it for a while and said: “I don’t know what they would do.” which isn’t entirely true because more than likely they will go super saiyan on me.
Nevertheless, he raised a great point. Why do I constantly try to please them by pretending to agree with them, maybe that’s the root cause of the problem?
Throughout my life, they haven’t been there for me through the worst times and greatest trials of my life. They are the last bunch of people that I would call if I needed something, in some cases, they won’t even be the last, to say the least.
I’m not even mad at them anymore. I accept them for who they are. I accept that I have to decide what I’m willing to tolerate and I accept that I must establish some boundaries with them.
But I am pretty certain they do not want to accept who I am.
I can see it clearly that they are holding on to an idea of who I used to be. A person that died many years ago and as I get further and further away from them they try to cling on to me while questioning my new hobbies and beliefs.
Their values are different than mine. In their eyes, the family should always come first, regardless of the emotional damage that’s been inflicted.
I don’t agree with that.
Depending on how I am treated by others, they get the privilege of being part of my life solely based on that treatment alone.
I believe that boundaries should not just be limited to our spouses, and friends they also need to extend to family members. Regardless of the type of your relationship, if it doesn’t serve you and is toxic, why should you allow it to be a part of it?
So I have made my decision and I am pretty chuffed about it. Instead of allowing unhealthy behaviors and patterns to be part of my life, I am going to continue to create stronger and stronger boundaries for my well being and happiness and you can too!
Because you know what makes us humans different from a tree?
We get to choose, yes we all have a choice!