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We’ve been together for 24 years. You’ve been here for my happiest and my darkest moments. I first fancied you when I saw you with my school mates every day, I often thought about you to the point until I wanted you for myself, I just knew we would be great together.
I remember the first day when my lips touched you nearly choked me and I forgave you for that. Since then we have been through school, college, deaths, countless breakups, moving, getting jobs, losing jobs, we’ve been there done it together…
I must admit most of my friends and family members simply don’t approve of our relationship, and I’ve often believed you were the only one in the world who wholely understood me.
After my nan’s funeral in 2012, I remember we sat together when my mother came outside and begged me to leave you and go back inside. I did go back inside, but I sneaked out a few more times. In fact, sneaking out was the thing to do for the entire time I stayed with my mother. My mother just wouldn’t let you in the house so I found myself sneaking out to be with you during the family get-together.
I was so co-dependent on you that I ended up in addiction treatment where I was told that it was probably best if I didn’t go back to you. I was told that holding on to you would just be a constant trigger. They were asking me to give up everything. I wasn’t ready to give up on you.
When my children were born, I decided it was time to settle down and make something of myself. I knew you were withholding me. Eventually, we were separated for 2 years, no it wasn’t easy. In the first week, I cried for you every single day. I couldn’t fall asleep. I took medication for a few months and it helped. Eventually, I came to know I was better off without you.
I would still think about you every single day. I would consider finding you again and fantasize about how it would feel to be hooked up again.
During the breakup, I went straight back to you. It was like we had never been apart. We picked up right where we left off. When the stress of being a single dad, working shifts and not seeing my children became unbearable, we could just sit and be together. I always felt relaxed and chilled with you.
Once again, I was planning every part of my day with you because you were always there for me until suddenly it hit me. I wasn’t only co-dependant on you, our whole relationship was toxic! You were suffocating me. I realized you are a big problem in my life. I have tried to stay away. I can go for a few weeks up to a month here and there…but I always end up answering your call again.
You don’t make anything better anymore. Instead, you make things worse!
At times I get sick, you still nag at me. I know I need to rest without you but there you are, making me feel worse. I can’t do physical activities that I once used to enjoy doing, thanks to you. My breath stinks because of you. To be honest I’m embarrassed to be around you. I can feel people looking down on me when I’m with you. You are a bad influence on my kids, they already hate you. They beg me to stay away from you. I can’t do fun things with them because of you. You are also very high maintenance. You are taking everything from me. It got to the point where no one believes me or cares anymore when I say you are out of the picture. They have seen it all, they know I always take you back.
I am sorry but not sorry, I can’t do this anymore. You are slowly killing me. You are poison G.T.F.O!
I am not deprived because you are gone. I was deprived when you were around. I thought you made me more relaxed, but I realise you brainwashed me into believing that. You told me I would be anxious without you but you are the one who created that anxiety.
This is final, I’m breaking up with you. I am so much better and stronger without you. I will do whatever it takes to resist your attempts at reconciliation this time, take this as my final goodbye, cigarettes!